Fight last night, with the boyfriend, possibly the worst. I mentioned some things that bothered me… namely dishonesty, in particular his dishonesty. I felt lied to. He said one thing and then did another. Shit, we all do that; even the most reliable people do that. We want things to be true, we set unrealistic goals, and we cannot attain them. Therefore, my disappointment in this man I love commenced.
I don’t know why I have been so very sensitive lately. The Wellbutrin, and it’s slightly increasing dosage? Is it the fear of pregnancy, even with the protection of birth control? Could it be the fear of abandonment that has plagued my life since I can remember? Fear in general?
I have been more emotional, less tolerant, less patient, and all around a whole lot more Bitch. It appears as though I’m trying to drive my boyfriend away. The –I’ll remove myself from you before you leave me- fucked up scenario. How to fix me? When did this start?
I went to the physiatrist, and started talking about some very hurtful childhood stuff. The kind of stuff when I told him “I want to get through it, how do I do this?” He simply said, “Carefully.” No shit Mister. I hate mucking shit up. I mean, I buried that shit for a very long time, and that shit has a little something to do with my chaotic, fucked up foundation for the rest of my life. Great. That’s terrific. The doctor said to me “How is it that you have come this far, you survived so much, and seem very confident and well adjusted.” Well there is a lot to that “seem” word isn’t there.
I don’t mean to inflate my fucked up childhood, so many of us have had similar experiences, and I know that many, many, many people have had far worse experiences. I have no desire to measure pain against pain.
The fight, I got angry and told him I wasn’t buying him cigarettes, having just quit, when I was going into the store to buy my friend some anyway. I threw a little tantrum, probably because I had just forked over $60 bucks for sushi and only have $40 in the bank till payday. Yes, payday is only a few more days away for me. But, I’m poor. I did want to treat, it’s just hard for me to let that money go. Okay no more excuses. I could excuse myself to death.
I bought him the cigarettes anyway and he stewed angry. Later he unleashed his tongue on me, “Your so self righteous, just because I do the things that you used to do, I’m in the wrong, I’m weak, well, fuck you, Ruth. Fuck you.” I’m sure there was more, but, that was the gist, I won’t go into what he said just to hurt me. That shit just tears me up to think about.
I knew that this was more than about the vices that I had given up, and he had not. It was partially about the conversation over sushi. I was talking about living life honestly. I don’t know, paying your taxes, not working under the table, while collecting unemployment. He said something like – ‘I don’t want to be working for anyone, I don’t want to give any money to the government, I don’t believe in that altruistic world, I want to be a millionaire, and travel and work less than I play, and I want the same for my children.’ This hurt me and I blushed. I thought –could I do this? Is this the life I want? My nose was in all kinds of stuff that is none of my business. Right? These were just petty resentments. I was thinking, things are great until you get caught. And when you get caught, you go to jail, and going to jail isn’t something that I want going on in a relationship. As I said to him before, no amount of money or possession is worth his being removed from my life. I am passionate about this.
Anyway, I apologized, I was wrong, and I admitted it. This isn’t an easy task for me. He held onto it with a death grip. He wouldn’t forgive me. He wouldn’t resolve the situation. He withheld affection, sex, and the whole nine. He wouldn’t say that he loved me. He wouldn’t do anything that I wanted or anything that I needed. I said that I would never mention drinking or smoking again. He blamed me for not getting sleep. He blamed me for being late to his new job. And, I was to blame, because I couldn’t sleep on it, because I felt, no I feel, that he’s just a few steps from walking out of my life.
Just let it go, Ruth. Just let it go. Just love him. Don’t worry about yourself so much. Just enjoy it while it lasts. Here’s to hoping it lasts.
Tracy, met him a month or a little more, and I’m hooked. I’m head over foot, a fool in love, muskrat love even, as if it was the first time.
He’s 42 going on 16. He is beautiful; I mean ages very, very well. And we are so like, it’s a little bit scary. We are controlling, manipulative, self-seeking, vain, egotistical, articulate, shallow, selfish, intellectual, interesting, have the best of intentions, jealous, fearful, empathetic, sexual, generous and beautiful. We fit, the sex is great, the conversation is even better, and I can be myself with him completely.
